Four Affirming Messages: Lessons Learned from Grief and Mourning
Grief is a universal experience. In the decade after I lost my beloved husband, Jay, I received many messages from him, often in the form of visitation dreams, which are quite common in many cultures all over the world.
Recently, I was in the midst of preparing a talk for the official launch of my self-help book Sweet Sorrow: Finding Enduring Wholeness after Loss and Grief and had fallen asleep, exhausted. Suddenly, there was Jay, his face glowing. He said, “Write this down. I have four messages I want you to share, and these are not just from me, but from many soul energies I’ve encountered.” It’s hard to argue with a soul who can counter with silence. So I dutifully rose from my sound sleep, turned on the light, and grabbed the nearest pad and pen. Here are the four dictated messages:
1. There is Nothing to Fear About the Transition of Death
While the idea of death is frightening, this message suggests that despite its mystery, we don’t need to fear death. In a visitation dream I had after my husband’s passing, I asked him, “Why did you have to die so early?” and “What’s it like to die?”
“Just wait. It’s genius,” he responded.
As end-of-life expert Elisabeth Kubler-Ross wrote in Life Lessons, “Death is simply a shedding of the physical body like the butterfly shedding its cocoon. It is no different from taking off a suit of clothes one no longer needs.”
I’ve learned death is a transition, not a disappearance. It seems like in death we simply shift from our physical body to an enduring consciousness that is not limited by time and space. People who’ve had near-death experiences often return and report going to a loving, light-filled place that feels like home.
2. Our Loved Ones Want to Be Remembered
Our loved ones who’ve transitioned want to be kept alive in our hearts and minds. Jay reminded me that they want to be spoken about by name and in stories. Talking about our loved ones also gives us opportunities to process our grief so these feelings don’t resurface later as rage, panic, or despair.
Another way to remember those who’ve passed is to honor them in rituals. For example, my friend Sam suggests we perform a random act of kindness to honor his father on the annual anniversary of his passing.
These souls also want to reassure us that they are always alongside us. In Beauty: The Invisible Embrace, John O’Donohue wrote, “The dead are not distant or absent … When we lose someone to death, we lose their physical image and presence … but because we cannot see them does not mean they are not there.”
3. We Need to Let Go of Our Demons
Jay and his cohorts advise us to let go of guilt, shame, and regret, and focus our energies instead on forgiveness, compassion, and peace. Holding onto demons like grudges and regrets is malignant to the soul. Forgiveness is like medicine that heals our hearts. And choosing peace provides compassion and connectedness.
The visitation dreams I’ve had suggest that any demons we don’t let go of in this lifetime become transformed after our transition. Four months after Jay passed, I woke up with a dream in which he was healthy again and hadn’t aged. He told me, “The best thing about where I am now is that there are no demons here. I’m not haunted by could-haves or should-haves, by second-guessing myself or someone else, or by hurting someone with my words. I’m just happy and peaceful now.”
In a dream a year after his transition, Jay told me he had gone through a “spiritual rehabilitation” process. I could tell from the dream that he was a transformed person: the woundedness he’d carried while on earth was gone.
Attachment to our “demons” while embodied becomes an encumbrance, consuming precious time and energy that otherwise could be used for our expansion and growth.
4. We Need to Make Our Time on Earth Mean Something Good
The fourth message is this: make the remaining time we each have on earth mean something good. Making our time on earth matter means we find ways to give back, to value people more than things, to discern what tasks are most important, and to do things that put light in our life and the lives of others, especially for those who feel marginalized or impoverished.
While we are grieving those loved ones who have transitioned, we need to remember that love is the most powerful force in the world. There is a Celtic belief that the more love we disperse, the greater abundance we receive. Love is the only energy state that can overcome all pain and darkness. In the words of Martin Luther King found in The Strength of Love, “Hate cannot drive out hate. Only love can do that.” (1963)
Sherry Cormier, PhD is a licensed psychologist and certified bereavement trauma specialist. She is the author of Counseling Strategies and Interventions for Professional Helpers and the co-author of Interviewing and Change Strategies for Helpers. You can also read more in her novel, Sweet Sorrow.